


Ghost of You

by cant12091mavc



Series: Ghost of You [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hydra (Marvel), METAL ARM, Memory Loss, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Natasha is a good friend, POV First Person, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, bad language, girlxgirl, goes after endgame, long road till happyness, starts before CAWS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-19 10:16:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29873160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cant12091mavc/pseuds/cant12091mavc
Summary: Hydra, still undercover, is trying to create a new super soldier. The 'subject' has a past, which will haunt her untill it comes to bite her back. This story begins before CAWS and will develop following the movies.“And I remember now, at the top of my lungs in my arms she diesAt the end of the world, or the last thing I see.”
Relationships: Avengers Team & Original Female Character(s), Carol Danvers/Original Female Character(s), Carol Danvers/Reader, Natasha Romanov (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s), Natasha Romanov/Original Female Character (friendship)
Series: Ghost of You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196351
Comments: 9
Kudos: 20





	1. Last thing I see

**Author's Note:**

> I know the summary sucks, but I didn't want to spoil important information such as Ofc name or alias, etc. There will be angst, action, fluff. Plus, the title is a song from My Chemical Romance and brings a lot of ofc’s feelings and point of view; I was inspired by a lot of songs and I’m sure you’ll recognize a few. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts

Pain.  
It’s all void, but pain.

Pain.  
It’s like a faint light in the back of my mind telling me to move, but it hurts.

It’s too much.  
I feel lightheaded while I slowly drift into consciousness, and it hurts.  
Pain.

I become aware that I am laying in the cold ground, I just don’t know where, I can’t remember. I try to turn to the right, but the sharp pain on my left says to me that I broke one rib or two, maybe more. But how?  
What am I doing here? Where is here?  
I can feel a split on my lip, my cheek has a gash and when I rise my left hand, I see something like a metal glove. Wait. I try to move to have a better look at it…

Pain.  
I curse under my breath; my chest is heavy. 

I try to look at my hand again. With shaky breath, I realize that I’m not looking at a glove. My whole forearm, from right below my elbow to the tip of my fingers, it’s all made of cold metal.  
What. The. Fuck??  
I gasp. When did this happen? I had two perfect flesh arms, didn’t I?! Why can I remember what happened to me? 

I lay my head back on the ground and close my eyes. I try to search, but that is nothing to grasp on my mind, I can’t remember a thing. It’s all gone. I take a deep breath and I try harder, try to think of something, anything at all…

And then, like seeing a movie scene from a foggy screen, it’s hard, confusing even, I see a woman. Of course, I don’t know who she is, but it’s something, at least. I’m outside a… bar? A Club? I’m not sure. I am looking at a blond woman, she gives me a wide grin, takes the key from my left hand (‘oh my, I knew it, is a flesh hand’), climbs the motorcycle in front of us. After she turns the engine on, she motions for me to climb as well. Without missing a beat, I am hugging her waist and then we go. 

Who is this woman? What happened to my arm? To me?  
I need more answers, I need to dig further, I need more memories. I feel tired, but I push it away.  
I search, dig throughout the emptiness of my brain…

And here it comes, another flash of foggy memory, will it be the same wo…? Before I could finish, I see myself standing on some sort of park. I’m looking at such pretty little girl wearing a red shirt, her hair is everywhere trying to ride a bike. I feel myself smiling at her.  
‘Look at me, I am doing it!’ She laughs and I feel my heart so light at that moment. ‘Yes, you are, sweetie’. I smile back at her as she comes to hug me. ‘Thanks for teaching me, aunt L..’  
No. No, no, no, come back. Arg! I needed that information. She was about to say a name.

With a grunt I turn to my side, this time it hurts a bit less. Guess I’m getting used to feel like shit.  
I blink twice, for a moment I think I passed out and started to dream, but no. I’m wide awake. I’m about to grasp a piece of memory in the back of head once again. I close my eyes and there it is…

I blink twice. The shades failing in keeping the sun rays out of the room, but I can’t bring myself to care. Just when I turn to my side, a smile creeps itself into my mouth as my eyes land in the goddess laying centimeters away from me. Perfect silk skin, the most beautiful curves my eyes have ever seen. Having her this way, so bare, immaculate even and there’s nothing I wanna do but to stare in awe. Her eyes stir open. They focus on me. Holy, she’s perfect.  
‘Morning...’ She flashes a smile and my heart flutters.  
She brings her incredible warm hands to touch the military tag resting in my chest. I move my head to kiss her hand that are now touching my cheek.  
‘I didn’t know you were wearing my former tag among yours’ She says.  
I kiss her hands once more before replying ‘That way I can feel you close to me. Close to my heart whenever you’re not around’.  
The look in her eyes could light up a hole city, priceless, so full of passion and warm and…  
‘I lov…’

All I can see is darkness. I’m back to the same place I was before. Instantly missing the warm those memories brought to my chest. I try to go back to that sunny room, but to no avail. I can’t access that memory again as I realize my mind starting to drift off, to go blank. I feel nothing but pain, as darkness embrace me.

\------

I’m jolted awake as the door is burst open by a man wearing black tactical suit. I try to move away, but he takes three steps way too fast.  
He picks me up by my collar and arm with a deadly grip. Ouch, this is going to leave a bruise.  
He punches me in the face. Hey, what the hell. Before I can even muster some words, he says: “ready for the next session?”  
“wha.. what?”  
“what do you remember, bitch?!”  
“I…hm. I… nothing. Who are you?” Another punch, and I feel a crack in my nose. Did this idiot just broke my nose?  
“Don’t lie to me, woman. What do you remember? Answer me. NOW!” He violently pushes me, so I hit the wall behind me…

Suddenly, just like a dream, or a snap, that foggy screen is back.  
I’m in a doorway, looking at that blond woman again. And God, is she beautiful. She’s wearing a leather jacket that I recognize as my own. I walk towards her, within her personal space. I brush our noses when I see the corner of her lips twitch, ever so slightly, then she pushes me causing my back to hit the wall. She takes two steps. She’s so, so close that I can breathe her breath. My eyes are closed since I’m about to taste…

I’m brought back to reality by being hit square in the face again.  
“Stop.” I mutter, now lying on the ground. “Ok. Ok. I remember a... a woman. A blond woman, we are…” I trail off trying to find the correct words. What are we? Who is she? “We are friends. And… And a little girl. That’s all!” I stutter out because that big Glock in his waistband is not friendly at all.

“Aaarg.” He grunts and pick me up again, pushes me to the wall once more, punches me twice and drags me out of the room, or should I say cell? After a few turns through corridors, we arrive in a room, or a lab, with very strange devices and a chair, in which he drops me and ties me, all the while smirking at me.  
He saw the very confused look in my face, he squats a bit so he can look me dead in the eye. “You are going to break, eventually, woman. I am going to break you. And, in the end, all you will remember is despair. Nothing, but despair.”

I probably lost my mind, or I don’t know, something in his voice made me mad. Made me burn with angry. I totally lost my mind, because I was tied in a crazy chair, in a creepy room, having my ass being beat out of me, but what did I had to lose? All I could feel was this flame in my chest, and boy, it burned. This man could have the upper hand, but I refuse to go down that easy. Next thing I knew, I was spiting blood is his face giving a very blooded grin. I was mad. “I wanna see you try, barf bag. I’m not breakable!” 

Of course, his answer was another punch, and my nose did break this time.  
However, before he could do anything else, the man with a white coat spoke: “Sir, she’s very strong, her memories are very strong. She’s too attached to them. Is hard to erase everything without killing the subject”. Wow, now I became a subject, was this a research facility? Did I volunteer for something? No, not likely. If I had, why would they kick me, punch me and walk around with guns?  
I’m brought back from my reverie when the ‘doctor/scientist’ speaks again “We could use a different approach, though.”  
“Which is…” My ‘friend’ in black was losing his patience. I was getting under his skin; I just didn’t know if it was from today or previous encounters.  
“I think that, since erasing is not working just as it did with the Soldier, we could try to manipulate her memories. Put her through erasing process one more time, and then replay some specific memory, a very painful one a few rounds. It will take time, but I am sure it will be affective. The only memory she’ll have will be one that she’ll beg to forget.”

My eyes went wide. I just don’t know what to think. What are these guys doing? And why are they doing it?  
“Well well, Doctor List, now I know why you are in the payment check.” He turns to face me. “Still think is funny, bitch? You’ll break as it seems.”  
I spat again, on his feet this time “I will come for you” Oh, I swear I’ll wipe his smug face with my bare hands.  
He smirked at me “You won’t remember who I am”. He looks at the doctor. “Go on, doc!”

Apparently, this was what the doctor was waiting for. He turned on a few devices and pressed some buttons in the computer whilst I saw and felt some sort of slab, better yet, a helmet closing around in my head. The doctor pressed my cheeks so I’d open my mouth and he could shove a plastic mouthguard inside it. I was about to spat it when he calmly said, “I think is better for you to keep it.”  
Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could prepare me for the excruciating pain that I instantly felt when the machine sent electric shock waves to and through my brain, through me.

I must’ve screamed, because I saw the man in black smiling.  
Pain. 

Why are they doing this? I can’t hurt anymore.  
Pain. 

\----------

I was leaning on the kitchen counter facing the blond woman once again. However, this time I’m feeling a pang in my chest when I look at her eyes.  
‘I need to go. This time I think will be longer’. She says and I sigh looking away ‘Then, what are you still doing here?’  
It’s her turn to sigh ‘Please, you can’t make me choose between my heart and my responsibilities’. Oh, that line lights a flame inside my heart. ‘I am not. There is nothing to choose. Not now, anyway.’  
She throws her hands in the air ‘Why… dammit. Why are you being this cold, this heartless?’  
Pain and rage are doing this crazy mix inside me. She has the nerve… Why is she mad? She doesn’t have the right to. She is the one leaving.  
I grit my teeth ‘Me, I’m being heartless? How long do you think we could keep playing house, pretending… dreaming that I am important, that I’m good enough? You said yourself, you have your responsibilities and there’s nothing I can do. So, forgive me if I am being a bit too cold right now. I’m just trying to protect what’s left from my heart.’

Now, that was a deep cut. But I can’t withdraw my words, if she’s hurting so am I.  
Right now, she’s standing right next to the door. Hands on the doorknob, but it feels like she’s squeezing my heart. Maybe, because she is.  
We lock eyes, and all I can see is sadness in those brown pools. ‘It’s not easy for me either, you know’. She gives me a humorless smile. I had to close my eyes to brace myself for what’s coming next. The final strike, the final hit to shatter the remaining pieces. ‘Guess we are too good at goodbyes, by now’. All I can hear is the door closing and I refuse to open my eyes and face the empty house, the truth. Because opening my eyes is realizing, is to accept the reality. She’s gone. For good this time. She’s right. I am used to goodbyes, way too much for my liking. 

Pain.  
I feel some shock waves again in the back of my mind.  
Pain.

I have a helmet in my hand and I’m walking towards a chopper. ‘Hey.’ I look up to see the beautiful blond waving and smiling at me. She’s wearing a green flight suit, climbing into some sort of fighter, but this one is different. I smile back ‘Have a nice flight, Cap’, before climbing on my chopper and taking-off.  
After a few minutes, the radio goes off with the blond’s voice ‘mayday, mayday’. All I can hear is some distress sound. I try to respond but there’s no reply.  
I look down to the TCAS’s screen and I see her fighter descending way too fast to be good. Tracing a path to where the fighter is headed, I turn the chopper and go as fast as possible. Not long till I see the fighter’s right wing on fire. ‘C’mon C’mon’ I said to myself. I contact the base and tell them to send a medical support to our coordinates, but I can barely hear the response as I watch the aircraft hit the ground in a clearing. My heart drops.  
When I spot two forms outside the plane, I release a breath that I didn’t know I was holding ‘Son of a bitch, if she isn’t the best pilot’ I laugh to myself. I was flying over the woods, almost reaching their location, relief was washing over me, but was short lived ‘cause I see some sparks near the crash and…  
‘NOOOO!’ I shout when an explosion comes from the crash. My heart stops. Truly, stops. It can’t be. No, no, no, no. ‘She can’t be gone’. Then, all I see is white. 

Pain.

A helmet in my hand and I’m walking towards a chopper (‘What? It can’t be’). ‘Hey.’ I look up to see the beautiful blond waving and smiling at me. (‘oh, no. Not again’) She’s wearing a green flight suit, climbing into some sort of fighter. ‘Have a nice flight, Cap’ (‘No, stop. I cannot see it again’) I hear ‘mayday, mayday’ And some distress sound. I try to respond but there’s no reply.  
Not long till I see the fighter’s right wing on fire. I watch the aircraft hit the ground in a clearing. (What is going on?)  
I see two forms outside the plane. I was almost reaching their location when I spot some sparks near the crash and… (‘NO. NO, PLEASE. I CAN’T WATCH HER DIE AGAIN’)  
‘NOOOO!’ I shout when an explosion comes from the crash. ‘She can’t be gone’. And then, white.

This scene, this memory, is being looped in my brain over, and over, and over. I wasn’t counting how many times. I was hurting. My heart was being ripped from my chest over, and over, and over. I was being broken from the inside out.

Pain.  
And I see her die again, and again, and again.

Pain.  
And I do nothing, but to scream again, and again, and again.

Pain.  
And all was left is void.

Pain.  
And darkness, and despair.


	2. All the smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After breaking till last piece, Hydra raises its Ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write, nothing seemed to suffice. There will be more action and less angst if compared with the first chapter; Let me know your thoughts.

“And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me”

Despair.  
All I feel is void and despair.   
I lost count on how many times I dreamt or had the explosion scene played in my head.   
I was feeling hopeless. Useless.   
Countless times I’ve cried over that woman’s death and I don’t even know her name.  
My hands start to shake, tremble every time I try to tell her not to climb on that plane. And every time I fail. She climbs and the anxiety in my chest is lancinating. I can’t take this anymore. Please, I need this to stop.   
I feel like drowning in this spiral of sorrow, it’s too much to bear. I open my eyes and my breathing starts to calm down as I reach reality’s surface once again.   
There is a dim light coming from outside through the door’s crack, but the room is dark, just as much as I am inside. 

I can’t remember how long I’ve been kept in here, wherever here is. The only thing I know is this room, better say a cell, with a thin mattress. I snort. I’m outstretching the word mattress by calling whatever I’m lying on a mattress. A sink in the corner and a hole which they expect me to call a toilet. They… Whoever they are.  
I can’t remember who I am, just that I let that woman die and did nothing but watch. Feeling hollow while despair consumes me. Why couldn’t I fly faster? Why was this the only thing I could remember? 

I close my eyes. Images from the blonde with green suit, her smile, her voice in distress, the fighter’s wing on fire, and the explosion assaults me. Taunt me. Haunt me. Drown me.   
I sign. Better keep my eyes open. 

I hear footsteps and they stop at my door. I don’t know what to expect and, honestly, I could care less. The door is opened by a man in tactical black suit, military haircut, but he hadn’t shaved so he’s probably not on duty. How do I know this stuff? Guess is one more unanswered question added to the pot.  
“Tired of your vacation?” Vacation? This must be a very creepy resort then. “Come, I wanna see your skillset.”  
Wordlessly, I climb down my bed and walk after him, since he’s leading the way through corridors. I take my surroundings as we walk through large corridors with gray painted walls, no windows, but a few other doors, probably like my own. We take some lefts and rights till we reach, what I presume, our destination.   
The room was huge: Two boxing rings on the far east corner with a few punching bags and dummies around it, a big mat in the middle of the room and the wall right in front of it had a set of different weapons, looking at the west corner there was a lot of gym’s equipment, and a single door, in which the man was standing in front of. As soon as we entered, I was met with a standard shooting range, with eight or so stalls and their respective targets.   
The first stall at my left had a SIG SAUER 9MM almost shinning and a M16 rifle with a couple of magazines, I look at the man who simply nods his head towards the stall. “Be my guest” he says.

“Not bad. Not bad at all.” He says while we’re walking to my room again “You’ll come every day to the training room after breakfast. Gym and fight skills first and then you’ll go to the shooting range.” He moves his head signaling for me to go inside my room and I just nodded. I didn’t miss the mischievous grin that spread at his face. “You used to be more… talkative.” His professional face was back on. “Someone will pick you up tomorrow”. Right after he closes the door, the dark wraps the room once again.  
Hello darkness, my old friend.   
\------------------

“Hit harder! Use this useless metal arm for something else than cleaning your ass”. The man in black, that I came to know as Rumlow, spats at me. I take a deep breath and charge at him once more. I hit his leg, my useless metal arm jabs his jaw mercilessly and he meets the floor. I’m about to kick his face when he rolls to his side and get up in one swift movement. He started to use his hands once again, but I dodge or block every single one of his punches, it hurts my arms, but at least is not my face, or nose. Taking a page of Rumlow’s book, I charge at him and, in a swift movement, I jumped at him, wrapping my legs around his torso, and brought him down to the ground. His right arm was caged by mine in something like an arm wrench, I could dislocate his arm or break it.   
He patted my legs and I let him go. I’ve learned in an awfully hard way how fast I can heal, and that happens to me if I hit my training buddies a bit too hard, God forbid hurting Rumlow, I had my share of lessons for being… too much.   
“Where did you learned that?” He asks getting on his feet. I shrug and pick up my water bottle “I don’t know. I saw an opening between your attacks.”   
“You’re not that bad.” He looked at his cellphone “Aah, almost two years now and it looks like your vacation is finally about to expire.” I frown my brows, what is that supposed to mean? “You’re going out on a mission.”  
Oh. “Have you ever visited Hungry?” I give him my best ‘serious?’ look, like I would remember if I did. He laughs “Get ready then, you’re going to Budapest, heard they have an amazing goulash”  
“What it’s a goulash?” I ask heading to my room.   
“Meet Jack Rollins at conference room in 30 minutes.” Rumlow says right before I turn the corner.   
\-----

Outside the facility I see a perfect blue sky. If I’ve been training for two years, then is likely that I’m under this rock for much longer. I feel the wind kissing my skin and the warmth of the sun, I can’t get enough of this. 

‘Hey’. Suddenly, my mind’s eye is swamped with an image from the blond woman. How the sun flatters her pretty face with such flawlessness, then it’s like the whole world stops to admire her. When she flashes me a smile is like a piece of heaven within reach, but the dream shatters right before she climbs to her fighter. I wince not wanting to think of what comes after. 

“OI. We have a schedule, there’s no time for you to sunbath now”. I sign and walk towards the jet. The mission was ‘simple’, as Rollins had described.   
We’re supposed to arrive before dawn, take our positions in a building under construction that were previously evacuated by a field team. Rollins would be my shoulder guy, keeping an eye out for any possible problems. I was tasked to use a sniper rifle to take down the Hungary Prime-Minister Ferenc Gyurcsány, who would be giving a speech at a square a few blocks away from us.   
The idea of killing someone so cold-blooded was unsettling to say the least. But the mission briefing showed that he was a dirty politician, working against his own people, cooperating with our enemies. Whoever they are.   
Who are WE? It’s a question that is always popping in my mind, yet without answer.

Not long until the Prime-Minister starts his speech, and I was waiting for the right moment, for my signal. I’m aware of the wind, angle, breathing, all set. Just, patiently, waiting.  
“Anytime, Ghost.” Rollins says quietly. I say nothing.   
I pressed the trigger and seconds later my target’s tie is staining with his blood. Such a shame, it looked very expensive. 

Our extraction countdown began.   
I jumped in my feet. We run to the stairs and descend two floors. We use some cables and joist as passageway to the next building. I looked down, it’s a big fall till reach the ground. Of course, I heal faster than the others, but still a fall from this high would kill me as soon as my pretty face touch the street. I shake my head and start moving, a few heartbeats later and I’m landing on the building ceiling. We run till reach the edge and, this time, jump to the next. We use the fire escape to reach the alley where a car is, conveniently, parked.   
The moment my hand touched the door, a motorcycle passes like a bolt followed close by a black car with a man in a mask. What is going on in this city?  
“We need to get out of here. Now.” My partner says. We jump inside the car and he takes no time to start the engine. He was speeding and driving so fast that I thought we were about to take-off.  
The traffic starts to become intense; our extraction point was in the same direction of the crazy masked-man pursuit was headed.   
Rollins keeps the car to its maximum speed without killing us. He avoided an incoming crashed car by climbing on the sidewalk, barely knocking down pedestrians, he does knock a few chairs and tables even one mailbox, tough.  
“My my, you’re a remarkable driver.”  
“Shut up”  
I look outside my window only to see that the pilot in the motorcycle was a woman, an awfully pretty redhead, who was skillfully driving avoiding cars and dodging arrows coming from the black car. What the hell? “What is Robin Wood trying to do?”  
Rollins snorts “Like I said: We need to get out of here”  
A few turns later, and we arrived at our extraction point unscathed.   
Mission accomplished. We were going… arhg. Home?


	3. Never coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since ‘Project Insight’ is about to be launched, I think is time for us to get some answers. Who Ghost is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of this chapter will be in third pov. Mind that there is a time lapse between chapter 2 and 3. And at the end of this chapter there’s a time lapse too. Sorry for the cliffhanger, I couldn’t help it.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Violence, language, mentions of death? If you find any others, let me know. 
> 
> Let me know you thoughts

“If I died, we'd be together.”

A very secret reunion was happening in the depths of a dam right outside Washington DC.  
Captain America, Black Widow, Falcon, Agent Hill and the supposedly deceased Nick Fury were making plans to bring Hydra down. 

“We have to assume everyone aboard those carriers is Hydra. We have to get past them, insert these serves blades, and maybe, just maybe we can salvage what’s left…” Fury’s speech is interrupt by Steve.   
“We’re not salvaging anything.” His tone makes Fury look at him. “We’re not just taking down the carriers, Nick. We’re taking down S.H.I.E.L.D.”  
“S.H.I.E.L.D. had nothing to do with this.”   
“You gave me this mission. This is how it ends.” Steve won’t back down. “S.H.I.E.L.D.’s been compromised, you said so yourself. Hydra grew right under your nose and nobody noticed it.”  
Fury is frustrated. “Why do you think we’re meeting in this cave? I noticed it!”  
“How many paid the price before you did?” This makes Fury look around the room, looking for any support. Clearly outnumbered, he signed very unpleased.   
“Well, looks like you give the orders now, Captain. I have request, though” Fury drops a file at the table. No one touches it “If any of you see her, engage her in a fight. Don’t go for a kill. I need her alive.”

Natasha shoots Fury an outraged look as soon as her eyes lands on the picture in the first page, cold green eyes were staring back at her, the very same woman who shot her shoulder few hours ago. “Are you kidding? That woman just shot Natasha”. Cap scoffs, losing his patience with the ex-Director, “why would we do this?”  
“’Cause she’s a friend”. If Fury didn’t have their attention, he certainly had now. Nick Fury calling someone friend on broad daylight was unheard of, let alone a Hydra cold-blooded assassin. “And she used to be one of ours, she was on duty when she disappeared.”   
Romanoff on her spy-mode is now scrolling through the file’s pages, curiosity getting the best of her. “Hm. She was a pilot. Lara ‘Maverick’ Mitchell: Major rank in USAF, medals, ribbons, three shifts in Afghanistan. Impressive…” Her eyes scanning every information within the file. “Dadullah Akhund at Kandahar, she was there.” She looked up meeting Fury’s eyes. “I heard about this mission. And all these assignments… her file speaks for herself, she’s a war hero.” Romanoff’s brows were furrowed while she continues. “Killed in action: April 2006. Are you sure is her?”   
“Hundred percent positive.” Fury answered. 

Wilson also looks at the file “Her file says she was born in 1962, right now she would be almost… fifty years old.” He looks up. “She looks awfully young to be fifty, to me.”  
“Cap is ninety-five” Natasha supplies with a shrug. Suddenly, old-supposedly-dead young-looking soldiers becoming normal by the day.  
“With a file like that, why choose the enemy?” Rogers ask.  
“The answer is: she didn’t. And whatever Hydra put Barnes through, they also did to her.” Fury finishes pointing at the Major’s picture.   
“They’ve never found her body. I attended her funeral ceremony. They buried an empty coffin and gave her mother a folded honor-flag with a medal on it.” Fury signs. “Two months after disappearing, her forearm was found among rubbles from explosions near Khost, her military dog tag was, conveniently, wrapped around her wrist. They took this as evidence of her death.”  
“Pilots wouldn’t use tags around their writs. They need to keep their hands as free as possible.” Sam supplied.   
“I know. But authorities responsible for the case considered case closed. I’ve tried to dig, I asked some questions and call some favors, but to no avail. She became a ghost at the very moment her helicopter went down. Probably she was kidnapped by Hydra right after her crash.”   
Everyone was silent, not even Hill knew about this woman, or who she was.   
Fury looked to Steve. He knew the others would follow him as their leader, and could only hope that Rogers, by being a soldier himself, would comply with his request.  
The answer was a curt nod from the blond, however, was confirmation enough.  
He would bring Maverick back home. Whatever it takes. 

\-------------------------

I looked around and realized that I was being led to a secret mini facility in the depts of a bank’s vault.  
Hydra’s power and dominance still baffles me. They are everywhere, no, we are everywhere. We work for the greater good.   
Next thing I know I’m on the ground. Rumlow’s punch came out of nowhere, but I should have known better. “You failed.”  
He kicked me a few rounds, when he decided that I learned my lesson he stopped and offered me a hand to get up. I snort, inside my head, of course. And Soldier says I have moods.   
Speaking of him, Soldier was in a corner, his usually cold expression was morphed into a confused one. He said his target was somewhat familiar, that he knew that man somehow, and I felt bad for him.

It was so, so naïve of me to think that my punishment was finished. Only one look to Alexander’s Pierce expression and I knew it was far from it. Are they going to kill me?   
If I died, I’d be set free. If I died, I’d be put to rest. If I died, I’d find her, we’d be together.   
But no, no matter how bad my situation is, Hydra wouldn’t be that merciful and let me lay in a coffin to rot seven feet under. No, I’m sure whatever was coming my way, would be far worse than death.

I took a deep breath as he nods for me to sit in a strange chair “Mission report?”   
“I… I failed.” He signed “And I thought you were unbeatable, Ghost.”   
“I’m sorry” I mutter, I’m confused.   
“You were supposed to kill them, your mission was to kill them. But my two best agents couldn’t get a simple job done.” He crunched down a bit, so our eyes were leveled.   
“We are Hydra. We pull strings from the shadows, from far behind those who plays in background. We are ghosts. You were supposed to be a Ghost, a faceless Hydra agent. But now, now you jeopardized our hole main goal, our work of setting the world free.” He stands to his full height. “I cannot accept that. I gave you a mission and I accept no mistakes. Do better. Be better. Be a Ghost. Tell me you understand that, hm.?!”  
The fire in his eyes makes my guts churn. I nod in response. “I understand, Sir.” I lick my lips, I’m restless, something is off. “I’ll do better, Sir. I’ll be better, I’ll be a Ghost.”  
He softly taps my cheek a bit and give me a small smile, but it doesn’t calm my nerves. I don’t like this at all.  
“Well, I need to be sure of this. We’ll make sure you’ll understand.” He looks to the guy at my right wearing a white coat. This is so fucking not good. “Go ahead. Start her over” Pierce says to the man and then look at me one more time. “I’ll see you soon, Ghost.”  
Before I could ask why I had a mouthguard being shoved inside my mouth I feel shock waves hitting every ounce of my body. It’s more than frying my brain, it’s like my nerves are being set on fire, while small needles roam through my veins, and it gets worse by the second. I heard muffled screams without even realizing that they’re belong to me.  
Not long till my mind go blank. And soon, It’s all darkness.

\-------------------

BOOM  
The building shook with an explosion. 

BOOM

I left the bed and walked to the door. There were some groups of four or five soldiers running through corridors towards the explosions, or so I assume. 

BOOM  
Was someone trying to get in? Were they attacking this base? If they were, they’re after something or someone. Who would attack a scientific Hydra base? I move backwards, trying to use the darkness of the room as camouflage. 

BOOM  
Were they looking after Hydra subjects? If they were, this one it’s not the most successful or even the busiest one. No. The best experiments, subjects, resources were safely held in Sokovia. 

I try to focus and think for the possible outcomes of this invasion:  
First, Hydra beats these people out and nothing changes, therefore is best to stay in my room. Don’t wanna bring more unwanted attention and give an excuse for another manners lesson. I’m still recovering from the last one.  
Second, Hydra and invaders would explode themselves and take the whole facility down with them, therefore is best to stay in my room too, at least I would die laying in a bed.   
Third, they succeed in getting in. And if they’re coming for resources or worse, coming to collect whoever might be in these cells, I needed to make a decision. Fast.  
I can’t remember much. Only being in this facility for a while, a few assignments and learning in a very, extremely hard way how fast my body can heal. Now, Hydra wasn’t good to me, I knew too well how cruel they were, how they could be. However, something within me says that it’s better stick to what you know than venture with the unknown.  
I mean, if these people had the power to fight against Hydra. What were they capable of? What vicious things they’ll do to me?   
I must move. Nobody will save me, is do or die. Then I’ll fight, and I won’t go down without putting a hell of a fight.   
Sooner than I’ve thought, I heard footsteps down the hall. There are two of them out there and they are opening the doors, one by one.   
I feel anxiety to build up in my stomach. These people passed all the security levels, they’re deep inside this rock in record time, it means they’re skilled. It means they’re prepared, and I only have my hands. The darkness will provide only a couple seconds of leverage, but you must work with what you got.   
I steady myself. My door is next. The lock is off, the door opens showing a tall blueish figure at the entrance. I charge with everything I have.   
It’s now or never.


	4. Things that you never told me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you’re face to face, being interrogated by an assassin, would you lie? A not so clear path opens itself for Ghost, but what to do when answers bring more questions?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer, but I think all of us deserved some answers too. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts

“I can't always just forget her, but she could try.”

‘Mayday, mayday’. All I can hear is some distress sound in the radio. I see the fighter with the right wing on fire. I watch the aircraft hit the ground in a clearing, and my heart drops.  
I was flying over the woods, almost reaching their location, relief was washing over me, but I see some sparks near the crash.  
‘NO!’ I shout when I see the explosion. My heart stops. No. ‘She can’t be gone’. White embraces me.  
Arg. The same dream.  
Always the same. Fucking. Dream.  
I always watch her die; I can’t save her. My head spins and I feel my bile.  
I don’t understand why I feel so desperate to save a woman that I don’t even remember. Although, deep down something tells me that I knew her, she was important to me.  
I should be used to this hurting by now, but it only gets worse. It’s like an invisible hand with a vice grip around my heart squeezing nonstop. It’s complete overpowering.  
Slowly, my mind starts to drift into consciousness, and I become aware of my surrounds. Immediately, I know something is off. I wasn’t in my ‘room’.  
The room is comfortably warm, instead of cold. The mattress is painfully soft, instead of hard just as much as the ground. And there was light. There is never light.  
Even with my eyes closed, I could see the brightness coming from the ceiling. I could feel its warm. And was too bright for my liking.  
Fear washes over me like a blanket. The enemy has me now. Fuck.  
I start a mental checklist: I still have my memories. My limbs are not tied. My head hurts, but other than that I’m not hurt, well, that’s new.  


Oh. Now, I remember how they put me down. That Redhead shot me with something coming from her wrist right after my metal fist found the man’s jaw. I fell face first with shock waves cursing through my body. Then she hit me again, and again. Till I was knock down cold.  
Feeling bold, I open my eyes a bit, wincing due to brightness. I open again, this time I menage to keep them like that.  
I look around only to see that I’m laying in a bed in the corner of the room, there is a restroom in the other corner. MY GOD. A whole restroom, to me. C’mon, focus, I scold myself. There’s a small table with a chair near the door. Last, near said table there was a large mirror wall. I’m in a cell. It’s bigger, warmer, more comfortable, there’s a restroom, but it’s still a cell, nonetheless.

I got up to stretch my body and move around. I’m no fool, they were watching me. Just like Hydra did. Nothing new.  
I received meals and a change of clothes through a hole in the door.  
I was getting restless, being caged without seeing who was holding me captive.

Finally, few days later the door opens only to reveal four guys dressed in black suits.  
Next thing I knew, I was sitting in a chair handcuffed at the table. I mentally scoffed, this couldn’t hold me. It was a small place, but there isn’t much needed for interrogation room.  
I was feigning to be calm and collected, someone was watching from outside. However, my head was far from calm and cool. Dread was washing all over me. What horrors should I expect? Would they torture me after answers? Would they brainwash me and use me as an asset?  
Every once in a while, I subtly looked at the door. I wanted it to open and bring the torturer right away and put this to an end. I hope it doesn’t open at all!  
I’d lost track of time when I heard the locks, looking at the door I saw a woman, the Redhead from the facility, coming in, the chances of having a quick death increased. Usually, women prefer fast and clean deaths. Usually. As she comes closer, I can’t help but think that I saw her, even before she electrocuted me. She’s familiar, somehow.  
“My name is Romanoff, Natasha Romanoff. Former Agent” She introduces herself. I greet her with a nod. Before she can continue, I cut her. “You look awfully familiar… do I know you?”  
Her lips twitches in a smirk “Generally, who doesn’t have the cuffs are the ones to ask questions.” I raise my hands in surrender leaning back in my chair. She took the one in front of me, her smirk only grew wider. “But I’ll give you that one. It kind of upsets me that you can’t remember a target, tough. Is it because you have a tight schedule?”  
I blink. “I was sent to kill you” It wasn’t a question.  
“Yes. And you’ve tried extremely hard, might I add.” She showed me a single scar on her shoulder “Among other things, you shot me. Now I have this nasty scar. Tsc. Bye, bye bikinis”  
“I’m sure you would look terrible in bikinis.” The smirk was back on her face.  
“That’s why I’m here? You wanna revenge? Wanna kill me?”  
“Oh, believe me, If I wanted you dead, you’d be in a grave.” The look in her eyes told me that yes, I would probably be seven feet under the ground right now. There was nothing left to say, I just nodded.  


“Let’s start with something easy: What’s your name?”  
“Ghost”  
“I meant your name, not your alias.”  
“That’s how they called me. That’s everything I know.”  
She signed.  
“What were you doing in that facility?”  
I thought about this interrogation and what should I say or not. Hydra didn’t like snitches. But if, and is a big IF here, I’m sure they wouldn’t let me go, but still, if these people let me out, who would believe that I haven’t talked? Fuck. It was like dealing with a knife with two edges.  
Only one look at this woman to comprehend that she’s very lethal, and I could deal with Hydra later, assuming that there’d be a later.  
“I was… lived there; It was like… hm, my base?” I tried to supply; I didn’t know what I was doing there.  
“What activities used to happen there?”  
“I don’t know.”  
She punched the table. I blinked “You can’t possibly think that you can get away by telling me that you don’t know anything. You’re hydra’s favorite.”  
“Yet, you saw what they do with their favorite. They caged me, Agent Romanoff. Being Hydra’s favorite meant nothing but that you’d be alive by the end of the day, that’s all.”  
“You truly don’t remember your name. Or that you were tasked in killing me?”  
“No.”  


“What do you remember?”  
“Not much. I can only remember the past eight, maybe nine months. It’s hard to tell.”  
“What do you mean?” Her brows are furrowed  
“The first two months, three perhaps, we spent in that facility, little to no activity. No one would go out or venture outside. We were laying low; it was like there was a predator outside that cave and we were its prey.” I shifted so I’d be more comfortable in my seat.  
“After that, little by little, people started to move around, a few missions every now and then, nothing big tough.”  
“Why don’t you remember anything? What happened to you?”  
“I’m not sure.” I licked my lips, the little I knew always made me uneasy. “I woke up some day, without knowing where I was, who I was.” I paused. “It was all blank. Still is. People came to my ‘room’ pick me up for food and training. To work on my skillset, as they used to call.” Another pause. “One day, some random guy told me that they erased me, I’m not sure. Like, they used some electrical machine to fry my brain, so I’d remember nothing. He said that I failed my mission. That’s why they wiped my memories, they started me over.”  
“Do you know what your mission was?”  
“No. All I know is that I lost my partner.” I raised my hand “Before you ask. No, I don’t know who my partner was.” She nodded.  


“You said you went on missions. What were they?” I stared at her.  
Her green eyes piercing through mine, like she was trying to catch a lie by searching through my soul. I knew where this was leading, I’d have to tell everything I knew, she’d know if I haven’t. They wouldn’t stop. I wonder if they’d kill me after getting all the information they wanted. I just wanna rest. All I wanted was to rest and die in peace. To stop theses visions from the blond woman, because my heart is too bruised and there’s nowhere to run to or to scape to. I may be a Ghost, but I’m scared that my dreams will haunt me forever, till I’m not sane anymore.  
So, if giving everything will guarantee a quick death, I’m all in.  
“A few assassinations. But mostly was to escort and delivery resources, weapons, people, whatever they need between facilities.” I told her.  
“I want a list of every facility you went on those missions” I sign. I was screwed. I’m sure Hydra wouldn’t reset me this time, no, they’d kill me in a very painful way and make it as a show so everyone would see what happens to snitches.  
“What will you do with me?” She got up to her feet. “Why? Do you have an appointment, or something?” I rolled my eyes at her.  
“Hydra doesn’t deal well with snitches.” Her signature smirk back on and this time sent shivers down my spine.  
“Hydra should be the least of your worries right now.”  
And with that she left the room.

\------------------------------

I’m getting restless being in this cell for so long. I’s been days since my last interrogation-meeting with Agent Romanoff. I was sent to interrogation room three times. In every single one of them, the Redhead’d, basically, asked me the same questions. Guess she was trying to see if I was being dishonest. Please, I knew better then to lie to her.  
I still don’t know my fate, I thought I’d be dead by now. And this is part why I’m restless. The other part is because I’m lazy. All I do is to sit, lay, walk around the room and nothing more. There aren’t many exercises that I can do in my cell.

The door opens so I got up thinking that will be the guards to escort me se meet miss Widow again, but I freeze in my spot when I see a tall man, eye patch covering his left eye, black from head to toes.  
He’s staring at me like he’s seeing a ghost (no pun intended, I swear). He motions for me to sit at ‘my’ table while he picks the other chair.  
This guy must be a badass, remarkably high-something within Avengers, if he’s coming here alone. Naturally, there’s a full squad team waiting just a move from him to come in and knocking me down, but still. I’m not even handcuffed, despite not being effective at all.

“Wow. Sorry if I’m staring. I’m just amazed.” I tilt my head, what is he talking about? “You haven’t changed a single bit from the last time I saw you.” My brows are crumpled.  
“You’re probably asking yourself what this old man is talking about, hm” He nods towards a manila folder resting at the table.  
“First, I’m Fury. Second, you probably have a lot of questions. Inside this folder there’s a lot of answers that I want to share with you.”  
“What do you want from me?”  
“What do you mean?” His eyes never leave mine.  
“I’m not saying that I believe you, but let’s suppose I do. You’re offering me answers, and if there’s something that I know, is that nothing good comes free.” I say emotionless, but my heart is about to explode. I need to see what’s in that file.  
“No drama needed, I’m nice like that”  
“Nice” I repeat the word but I’m sure it came as a snarl. “Why are you willing to show me this, but Agent Romanoff kept asking who I was?”  
“Romanoff leads an interrogation the way she thinks she’ll get better answers. She has a skillset and uses it the way she wants.” My arms are folded in my chest.  
“You say I haven’t changed. Do I know you?”  
“You knew, yes. We were… partners in a mission a few decades ago. We saw each other a couple times after that.”  
“Where you Hydra?” Now was his turn to spat a NO.  
“I was an Agent from S.H.I.E.L.D back then, you were a pilot from USAF” My eyes went wide  
“I was a pilot? From USA?” He simply nodded; I was utterly lost.  
“Look, I know a lot happened to you. Hydra took a lot from you, from all of us. I know you’re confused”  
“What was our mission?”  
“We were fighting some invaders while helping a mutual friend to protect an important artifact.”  
I stay there staring at him. He was being too vague. Was he lying? Then I glance at the file. He slides the folder towards me.  


Each of my hands are resting on each side of the file. Different emotions are colliding inside my chest. Dread, scare, anger, fear, sadness, hope. Who was I? For so damn long, I’ve been asking this question in a loop. For so long, all I knew was what Hydra showed me, what they wanted me to be. But what if the person in that file is not who I am? What if I am a ghost, indeed, but from a past self that doesn’t exist anymore?  
I take a deep breath; I glance at Fury once again, who’s giving a nod as for support.  
All right, let’s see what secrets this file holds…  
I turn to the first page and first thing I see is a picture of me. Standard frame, shoulder and head only. I’m wearing a green coat, no, is the same green flight suit from my ‘dream’, hair styled in a neat bun. My fingers trace the lines in the photo.  
My heart is caught in my throat. Are they pretending to know who I am? Are they creating this… profile, to make me believe? Believe in what? I don’t know. I’m tired and confused, so I keep digging.  
I flip to next page. Name: Lara Cali “Maverick” Mitchell; Birth: 09/15/1962. I gasp 62? I’m fifty-three years old, but I certainly don’t look like I am. What the…  
“How is it possible?” I ask  
“That you’re too young for your age? I’ve been asking myself the same question.” He clears his throat “Maybe, we could run some tests and examinations.” I was about to protest when he rises his hands to stop me “You won’t get hurt. Few blood samples, physical examination, maybe scan… Dr Banner has a lot of toys and I promise you; he won’t hurt you.”  
“Why should I believe you? Why should I trust you?”  
“If I wanted you dead, you wouldn’t be here.”  
“You people keep saying this to me” I smirk at him  
“You should start believing, then.” He’s smirking as well.  


I start reading the file again. My file. It’s unnerving to say the least.  
At the end, I’m crashed. Officially, killed in action fighting a war that I can’t recall. I’m overwhelmed, don’t know what to feel or think. I’m beyond rage, I’m furious that Hydra stole so much from me. Only to learn that isn’t much left of Hydra to get revenge from.  
There’s a fire in my chest and I’m afraid it’ll burn me from inside out.

After being escorted to Dr. Banner’s lab, we spent, basically, two days running tests and examinations. He told me he was the Hulk but had to explain to me what or who Hulk was, because I didn’t know. I liked him; he was gentle. I walked inside his lab expecting to be cut open in a table, but things went far from it. Maybe, just maybe, this people are not like Hydra. Certainly, things are so complicated, I don’t know what to think anymore.  
The results showed us that Hydra didn’t accomplished another super serum, like Captain America’s or Barnes’s. Actually, Hydra had nothing to do with my healing-factor, strength and slowed aging ability, and these were the ‘powers’ that we knew about, Dr. Banner said that could be more. He found traces of a source of power that, somehow, infected and changed my body. Bruce told me that this source matched with Tesseract’s signature. To say that I was clueless is to state the obvious.

Fury solved the mystery, tough. After hearing about Tesseract involvement, he showed me another file. It was a report from a crash in 1989. I gasped. No!  
Suddenly, I realize that I couldn’t breathe. My mind goes blank; It’s her. My hands are shaking, my heart can’t take this. It’s her accident. Her crash. I can’t do this. Why read something that’s printed, tattooed in my mind’s eye for eternity?  
I’m brought back to reality when I feel a hand in my shoulder. I flinch away.  
“It’s ok. Look at me, I need you to stay calm and I’ll explain everything.”  
I close my eyes; Steady my heart and started to read the damn file.  


The file is full of classified spaces, but Fury tells me what they were.  
“Did they never find her body?”  
“She did not die” I baffled. WHAT? I SAW HER DIE!  
“You are mistaken, mister Fury. I can’t remember shit, but I dream about it. I see that fucking crash every. single. time. when I close my eyes. She’s dead.”  
“You remember this?” I nod “How?”  
“I don’t know. I always see this ‘image’ in my head when I’m awake, it always presents itself in my sleep. I see that woman die every time, and then all goes white. It’s my only memory.”  
I know what I saw. As far as my memory goes, I remember this crash. Fuck, he was lying. I knew that I couldn’t trust him. Why is he lying about this?  
“Lara” I feel uneasy with this name, but I let him, I have bigger matters at hand “I don’t know how or what you remember, but, well… is complicated.”  
“Guess we’re not going anywhere, are we?”  
He signs “She’s not dead. If you keep reading, you’ll find out that after the explosion your chopper were hit with a few debris from the crash.” He continues.  
“Somewhere in these pages says that you crashed too, probably hit by the blow from the explosion.” AHA, there was a crash, there was an explosion, but he really thinks that someone could survive to that? No one would ever survive something like that. “You were found near the first crash with a metal fragment impaling your shoulder. This fragment was from Danvers’s aircraft and I think that…”  
“Wait, wait, wait…” I interrupt him, my God, I’m so used to her pretty face in my mind that I completely forgot to ask her name before. “What was her name again?”  
“Her name IS Carol Danvers, Captain Carol Danvers.” Carol Danvers… I test her name in my mouth. That was her name, better yet IS her name. Fury said she’s alive. My brows are furrowed.  
“How is she alive? I saw the explosion; I saw her die.”  
“You saw an explosion. But the same reason that you have these abilities is the reason why she’s not dead.”  
“The Tesseract”  
“Exactly. As I was saying” He looked at me half expecting me to interrupt, seeing that I wouldn’t, he continues. “I think that the fragment found in your body was charged by the explosion, which was Tesseract’s energy being shot at by Carol. She took the full blow. All its energy and power went through her, that’s why she survived.”  
“Just like you did. Your abilities are… very moderate if compared to hers, but yours are remarkable, nonetheless.”  
I’m sure my mouth is hanging open. I let the information sink in for a moment. She was alive. Oh my God, all this time I was mourning an alive person. Carol Danvers. Why do I feel this pull in my chest now that I know her name? If she’s alive, where is she? Why this was the only thing Hydra left for me? A break-up and a crash, her death… Then, it struck me, of course, they were trying to manipulate me, they were trying to break me, to make me one of them. Hydra decided to use my memories against me. Someone so broken, so hopeless wouldn’t fight against them, but for them. And I was disgusted, because they succeeded.  
For so long I wanted answers, and now I had them but a lot of it still didn’t make sense. I had a whole new set of questions.  
“Where is she now? Why did she shoot at her engine core?”  
“That’s where things get complicated…”

What the actual fuck.  
Krees. Skrulls. Starforce. Memory loss. Endless power. Maria. Monica. Space. My head was spinning.  
“I think I need a drink” I tell Fury.  
“Come with me.”


	5. All the wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When your answers doesn’t fill in the blanks properly, the only option is to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for those who left comments and likes and gave me any kind of support. You’re amazing;  
> I mentioned that this would be slow burn, right?  
> As always, let me know your thoughts.

“And all the things that you never ever told me.”

My encounter with Fury left me felling scarred and open. I knew a name; I knew who I used to be. I knew things about me, but they felt so foreign, like they belonged to someone else. Maybe, because it did. I wasn’t Lara, but was I Ghost?  
Later that night, I was assaulted with the woman’s… no, Carol’s crash, Carol going away scenes once again. My head was an utterly turmoil.  
It became obvious that my memory from Carol leaving, our brake-up, came after the accident and not in the sequence that Hydra played in my mind. Bastards.  
They led me to believe that I was useless. That all I was authorized to feel was void, emptiness.  
What did I feel, now? Besides this rage masquerade as fire, what was left to feel?  
What was permitted? 

I looked at the door as soon as I heard the locks. Romanoff enters my accommodation and I get up, not too fast to not startle her.  
“Miss Romanoff, fancy seeing you here without bodyguards.” She glares at me.  
“Thought didn’t worth the effort to protect them.” She’s flashes me a tide smile. “It came to my attention that you’ve met Fury.” I nod.  
“So, how should I call you now?” She takes two steps closer and leans at the table. “Lara? Or do you still prefer Ghost?  
I shrug “All of them makes me uneasy. None of them seem to fit.”  
“Hm. Maverick then.”  
“I never said that this one was good either.”  
“Well, we need to call you somehow.” A grin is scaping her lips.  
“We?” I blinked and she was looking at me from the door frame.  
“Come. I’m afraid that you’re starting to rust.” 

Agent Romanoff didn’t want revenge, but she definitely wanted payback. And God, that woman is almost too fast for me to keep up. Almost.  
After being in my accommodation for so long, I was indeed a bit rusted. However, my muscles loved the exercise, and it did wonders to my brain. Fighting against such good opponent kept me focused on our spar. First time in days that I stop to think and overthink about my misery.  
Romanoff came with one of those Widow’s combos that I menage to dodge and block a few, but one kick reached my shoulder while her elbow found my temples. 

All of a sudden, I’m standing in a bar. My mind’s eye was caught in something like a foggy screen and oh my, is this a memory?  
I had a drink in my hand while the other one was resting in a sling. I was feeling like shit, so much sorrow coursing through me, all I could…  
I feel a slap in my good shoulder. I look up to see a tall man offering me a pool cue. ‘Come, the winner gets free beers.’ I look at my drink while I say. ‘Thanks, I’m good. I’m not in the mood.’  
He nudges me. What part of mood, he didn’t catch? He speaks. ‘Oh c’mon, Mav. Danvers’s accident is tragic and all, but c’mon… or are you just sad about your injured arm?’ Fire starts to spread throughout my chest. ‘Excuse me?’  
He leans in the counter. ‘Look, all I’m saying is that you guys weren’t even friends, none of us were. She was too cocky. Guess Miss goody two shoes couldn’t even drive a car, let alone fly a jet.’ The fire was consuming, was bursting out of me until it reached its peak. Complete forgetting about the sling, my hand moved to the back of his head so, so fast. Next thing I knew, I was knocking his head in the counter. He looks up with his nose covered in blood.  
‘Bitch!’ He charged at me. He knocked me down and my head hit the floor, but I needed to put this fire out, I wouldn’t stop now, I needed to vent my rage. I failed in protecting her from dying, but I sure won’t fail in protecting her memory from this scum. After exchanging punches and kicks, I held him in a chokehold.  
‘Never, and I do mean never talk about her like this, Specht.’ I looked up to see an audience. ‘I’ll kill anyone of you who dares to speak of her.’ I let go of him and left the bar. 

When reality finds me again, the first thing to reach my ears is Romanoff’s voice. “Maverick, are you alright?”  
“Yeah, I’m good. Why?” She scoffs. “I hit your head and then you stop fighting, kept looking nowhere, like in a trance.”  
“Oh. I… I’m sorry.” Her voice is softer when she speaks again. “What happened? Do you need me to call, Bruce or Dr. Cho?”  
“What? No, no. I’m fine. It’s just… I had a vision, I don’t know.” I rub my temples to ease the pain in my head. “I think that I saw a memory, after you hit me, in a moment I was here sparing with you and the next I was in a bar having a bar fight with a man.”  
“You were a fighter even before, huh?” She joked and I shrugged. “Are this visions or memories assaults a common thing?” I frown trying to make it simpler.  
“I’ve never had another memory except being left behind and a Crash in a loop. Guess I’m just confused. Do I need specific triggers to remember things or is this my brain fighting Hydra’s brainwashing?” She gives me a look that I can’t decipher.  
“I’m sorry all of this happened to you. Let us help you.”  
“Help? With what? Will you guys erase my memory again?”  
“How long will take for you to start to trust us? We won’t hurt you.” Trust? Her question caught me off guard. How can I trust, when I don’t know what trust is?  
“I want to believe in you but all that I know is Hydra. Guess I’m afraid of this being just smoke and mirrors.” Her brows were so furrowed that probably hurts.  
“It’s not. And I’m here to help.” I narrow my eyes at her  
“Why are you being nice to me?” I open my arms to show the sparing room “Bringing me here, offering help… I’m the enemy, Miss Romanoff.”  
She shakes her head. “No. You were a victim who were weaponized, yes. Nothing, but another casualty.” I’m still not convinced, and she knows. “Look, Fury trusts you and I trust Fury. Remember all those Hydra’s bases and facilities that you gave us?” I nodded. “We paid a visit to a few of them, the intel you gave us matched so far.”  
“Does this mean you’ll let me go?” I asked.  
“Do you really think that you would be safe out there?” Her green orbs are boring into mine.  
I sign, looking away. “Stark’s Tower is one of the safest buildings in this world.”  
“Then, what are we?” What am I, prisoner with benefits?  
A smirk makes its way to her lips. “The enemy of my enemy…”

Surprisingly enough, Romanoff led me to the tower’s kitchen and offered me a sandwich for lunch.  
I’m a bit uneasy with this interaction, don’t know how to act, don’t know what to expect. I take my surroundings to mentally calculate an escape route, she knows the place, but I believe that I could fight with her if she tries to kill me with a butterknife.  
She doesn’t try to make small talk and I’m glad. To fight, survive and punishments are the only interactions that I’m used to. I don’t know how to function in a normal life, if that exists.  
I recognize a newcomer, Captain America in all his glory. Romanoff puts a plate in front of me while speaks. “Hi, Cap. Joining us for lunch?”  
“What is she doing here, Natasha?”  
“Everything she told us matched so far, Fury trusts her. Since she’s helping us against Hydra, I’m willing to give her the benefit of doubt.”  
“If Black Widow is willing to trust you...” He offered his hand for me to shake. “I’m Steve Rogers. Captain America if you will.” I took his hand in mine. “It’s a pleasure, Sir. I’m… hm.” I let go of his hand, suddenly I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. “I don’t know how to introduce myself.” A humorless smile grace my lips. “Guess Hydra never taught me that part.”  
“I think we should call her by her call sign. Maverick.” Widow supplies  
With a shrug, Rogers says. “It’s catchy. And if I called you Major, you’d outrank me.” He whispers the last part “I wouldn’t like that; Tony could use you against me.”  
The Redhead sitting next to me let out a heartly laugh which is soon joined by Rogers’s and I’m mesmerized. So, this is how people function in daily basis.  
I always wondered if being caged in a dark room waiting to be called for missions was only my reality or everyone’s. Guess that seeing them here, so relaxed having a meal in a wide kitchen with a meaningless conversation was answer enough.  
I’m amazed how light, how comfortable they seemed to be with each other. I wonder…  
“Mav?” I’m brought out of my reverie by Romanoff’s voice. “Sorry, what?”  
“I said that your intel about anti-aircraft weapons were crucial to help us reach Hydra’s bases unscathed” Rogers says. “Didn’t thought they would have so many.”  
“As I told miss Romanoff before, everyone was paranoid. Even with all the guns, defenses, and secret locations. Nothing could ease their fear. Now I know that they were afraid of you.” I chewed a bit. “Have you guys closed all the ones I gave you, already?”  
“Not yet. We’re looking for something. So, we’re choosing our targets according with your intel and ours.” I looked at him. “What are you looking for?”  
This was a sensitive subject, if his subtle shift was any indication. He was uneasy to share this with me. Couldn’t blame him, though, I was still enemy. An acquaintance enemy, but still.  
“It’s a high-tech device. Extremely dangerous, especially in their hands.” I didn’t miss the way he chose the word ‘their’ indicating that I wasn’t part of ‘them’ and I appreciated the gesture. This device tough…  
“There is a lot of facilities build for experiments. Those were the ones always exchanging data, research, personnel…” I was deep in thought. “But there was this one in Sokovia. They were always asking for more subjects, or volunteers as they called.” I wet my lips. “I was ordered to be the stealthier that I could, my hole unit stayed there. I was the only one to come back.” I looked up to him. “Have you guys tried that one, yet?”  
“Sokovia?” He repeated. “No, there’s little to none about Sokovia in our files. Isn’t an old building with ancient, abandoned equipment and vehicles?”  
“There’s nothing old and abandoned in Sokovia, mister Rogers.” I rest my fork in my empty plate. “On the contrary, they are the busiest. They’re just keeping an incredible low profile.”  
He turns to Romanoff. “Nat, contact the team. We’re going on a trip.”  
“Don’t forget your jacket.”

\-------

Apparently, Sokovia was a huge success with a very big H, because I was invited to a party, by Tony Stark himself. Now, my dilemma was increased, if I didn’t know how to act in a simple conversation. How do they expect me to function in a party, with their friends and a lot of them knows who I am. Plus, I’ve never been in a party.  
This is bound to be a disaster. 

Yep. I was right. There was a crazy robot giving a speech about Avengers being nothing more than killers. Then, all hell broke loose.  
I’m fighting killer robots in a fancy party room. Without thinking, miss Hill handled me a gun. Guess that ‘the enemy of my enemy’ is really a thing around here. In the end, my metal arm did more damage. As soon as Thor’s hammer crashed the last robot, the party was over.


	6. I never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Ghost becomes aware of her strings, there’s still one question left without answer: could a monster recognize itself as one?

“Should I? Could I?”

Honestly, this robot did get Avenger’s pants twisted, because they’re bringing me to a mission with them. Yes. What were they thinking? Romanoff told me that they didn’t know what awaited them, so they could use the help.   
Of course, he just threatened the most unique group that exists in this world, this was a big red flag let alone running away with Loki’s Scepter, the very same device they were looking for so long. After Dr. Banner explained to me the power this device possesses, I totally understood their worries. Their concerns only worsened when they concluded that Ultron was after an amount of Vibranium.  
Still, if it wasn’t for all the possibilities of things going south in a very bad way, I’d find this hilarious. The mightiest heroes on earth, asking for me to help. Me, a doubtful ally at best. 

I was standing in a corner in a creepy ship, waiting for my cue while they we’re trying to talk any sense into the Robot’s head. But something that he said kept going back and forth into my mind.  
Strings… And I can’t help but to think about how awfully alike we are or were. Being raised to ‘serve’, ‘to protect the greater good’, ‘to set the world free’ and serve this purpose efficiently. So many pretty words but, in the end, the idea just doesn’t fit, in the end there’s no freedom and it’s inevitable that creation turns against its creator.  
Strings… Since Hydra had a rope around my neck, they pulled and played my strings whenever they wanted, but was I now free? Or were the Avengers pulling said strings now? Did I own my own destiny, my fate?   
Speaking of it, I wonder if fate tied me when I was hit by the Tesseract’s blow. What should I do with these powers now that I have a mild comprehension of them? Was God, or whatever was out there, pulling my strings now?  
Strings… How do we cut them off if we can’t know where they’re coming from? Which one was safe to cut without strangling ourselves? I still had a rope around my neck, that much I’m sure.  
Ultron, who was incredibly stressed for a robot, sent his bots to charge at us. And just like at Stark’s, I had a gun, but my arm was a weapon itself. I was a weapon myself with such strength. I had destroyed three Ultron-minions with relative ease, when I felt the air being knocked out of me, suddenly I was at the floor, looking to a blue blur. Right after being hit by the male Maximoff, Thor announced the female Maximoff playing around with her mind tricks. Fuck. Faster than a blink of an eye, she was sending that red mist through my head.   
“Good luck, kid.” I manage before feeling my mind wrapped in images, memories. 

Terror, horror. It was like I was watching a freak show. Did I do all of this? Sweet. Mother.   
Scenes of torture, of death… merciless and no matter which uniform I was wearing. People feared what they saw. And I couldn’t disagree with them. Blood drenching my clothes, dripping from my hands. Men, women, children, what an animal am I?  
‘monster doesn’t even scratch the surface of what you are.’ Carol Danvers, who has eyes fuming with hatred and despise, is standing in a door. ‘take the silence, is all the company you’ll ever have’ She shuts the door at my face.   
Darkness coldly embraces me.

My daze is broken like a spell being lifted by Stark’s voice saying. “Safehouse”.  
When we’re inside I realize everyone is a bit lost. If it was because of what the Maximoff girl did or Barton’s unknown family, I couldn’t tell.   
They all look good together. Plus, Laura was really nice letting me borrow an old Levi’s and a hoodie. Didn’t want to scare the kids with my hideous arm. Or was I all hideous? What should I see when looking at the mirror? Suddenly, my doubts are no longer about strings or who controlled them. Monster is just a word to demonstrate, to show and make evident how disturbingly right Ultron is. Well, I may not be an Avenger, but I’m sure I’m not worthy of even breathing. How could I get rid of such undesirable attribute, or was too late for it? 

Currently, I’m sitting at the entrance stairs of Clint’s house, watching the sunset without really seeing it, when I feel a nudge at my side. Romanoff is sitting by my side with a broken expression on her own. I signed, that girl really hit us hard.   
“I supposed your dialogue with Dr. Banner didn’t go well.” Surprised, her head turned so fast in my direction that I fought she’d hurt her neck. I snorted. “Please. I was trained to see everything. And I was trained very well.” I finished with a frown; the flood of images was overwhelming.   
“Bruce’s opinion diverts from mine for the same reason. What he fails to understand is that he needs to turn green to become a threat, a monster.” I looked at her, with a frown still at my forehead. What is she talking about?  
“I was raised to become the deadliest asset in a place called Red Room, take it as an organization much like Hydra.” I nodded to show that I understood. “I made a name for myself and Barton was sent to kill me, but he made a different call. And it doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t help but think that I won’t be able to erase all the hideous things I’ve done, what they made me to be.”   
Well, now I understand her broken expression. She thinks she’s a monster too. Funny, because I saw little to none, but she’s always looking after her teammates. She’s even looking after me, and few weeks ago we were adversaries.   
“Is that the reason why you didn’t kill me?” I asked.   
“Fury asked me not to. And I’m glad he did.” I scoffed. Did she thought that I could redeem myself, like she had? “You should’ve had. No one would’ve hold it against you.” And now is her turn to look at me with a frown. “Mav, what Hydra made yo…” 

“It’s not Hydra, Romanoff. It’s me. It doesn’t matter which uniform I’m wearing, which excuse I’m wielding.” I interrupt her a bit harsh, she needed to understand that I was not worth for salvation. “All the repulsive things I’ve done. There’s just no forgiveness for it. As Maverick, as Ghost… You can choose but I can’t tell you who’s worse, they are not different at all.”  
Only in that moment, I realized the sadness in her eyes. And I felt bad, because now she’s probably running all her actions through her memory, trying to correlate her deeds with what I just said, and this wasn’t fair. “Don’t be so harsh on yourself, Miss Romanoff, I’m sure your redemption isn’t so unobtainable.”   
“I could say the same to you.” She looked at me with eyes still hard, but I could almost grasp a glimpse of hope at the far back, almost like she didn’t deserve to have hope. I gave her a small smile to try and make anything a bit more bearable. “And, please, after this mutual self-loathing session, the least you could do is to call me Nat.” She continued, lightening up the mood.  
“You’re being awfully nice to someone who tried to kill you, though.” She chuckled at this and turned to me with a small smile at her lips. “Clint is naming his third kid after me, guess I’m a little too nice with people who try to kill me.” I laughed a bit.   
“Okay then, Nat.” I said stressing her nickname. “Just don’t call me Lara.” I finished.   
“I’ll keep that in mind.”  
\---------  
Dr. Banner and I got a ride from Fury while the others went to find Dr. Cho. While the others had different assignments, we would stay at the Tower and wait.   
Well, after the mission at the ship, I thought things couldn’t get crazier. It seems that I need to work extremely hard on my imagination because crazy doesn’t even fit.  
Stark decided to continue with his AI experiments even after his last attempt was still on the loose; Romanoff was kidnapped by Ultron and Rogers showed up with the Maximoff twins claiming they’d turned to our side, apparently the season for an enemy to become an Avenger was still open. And the nerve of Wanda standing in a place where everyone wanted to get revenge for her mind games. But she’s tough, though, I have to give her that. Thor charged the cradle, that previously belonged to Ultron, creating a new form of life. Vision was carrying the Mind Stone.   
To top it all, I was at Sokovia once again.   
I know that I can’t remember a lot of things, but I’m sure that I’ve never had to fight in a flying city while trying to protect civilians from bad robots. And honestly, I thought we couldn’t make out of this alive.   
In the end, the Avengers were indeed the mightiest heroes on earth, because, against all odds, we defeated Ultron and destroyed the city-meteor managing to avoid a collision with earth.   
We took an extremely hard blow, though. Pietro fell and it was painful to watch Wanda’s suffering with her lost. And Hulk went missing. 

\----  
When Romanoff… Nat, came to me and asked for me to stay with them, I thought she was politely saying that I wasn’t free to go. That I was still a prisoner or an ‘enemy of my enemy’, therefore I wasn’t allowed to be freed. However, I was wrong. I’d have my own room at the compound, they offered me a place to stay, they offered me a place with them. And offered me was the key word here, Natasha stressed that I had a choice, that I could go and live a life if I wanted. But what life was possible for me, if not assume my responsibilities? I’d fight my way to redemption, protecting the world. That’s my string now: to clean the mess I’ve made.  
And that leads to where we are now. Even in my wildest dreams, if I had them, I’d never dream about being right here, right now. I was wearing a new suit with black, grey and burgundy shades with stripes patterns on it, having by my side Falcon, War Machine, Vision and Wanda.   
I’m sure we’re the oddest reunion of powers and abilities that you could find, but I’m also sure that we’ll put a hell of a fight. Because the second Captain America entered the room we were standing on, he made very clear what he expects us to be, what the world would look up on, what we were…   
“Avengers…”


End file.
